Author: Stacie Perreault, MA, LMHC, CCCTIC, DAAETS

Ask Astra – Blog

May 29th, 2024

With every action comes an opposing reaction. With the cutting edge progress of AI technology, many industries are flourishing. However, today I learned from an United State’s Representative, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, (AOC), that 90% – 95% of images generated by AI are deepfake NON-CONSENSUAL pornographic images! Over 90% of that number – targets women specifically. As a form of “reputational sexual violence,” she describes it, and justifiably so.

There is hope! Thanks to dedicated and pioneering women like herself, she and her fellow congresswomen have developed legislation to invoke federal protections against this kind of exploitation. Fingers crossed that her legislation is passed before more women can be victimized.

As a victim of “revenge” child pornography myself – long before that term was ever coined, this knowledge brings up a lot of horrible memories. I sit and think about those images, wonder if / when they will reappear in my life. Mentally I have already prepared myself for their eventual reappearance as though it is inevitable… or at least, I believe I have prepared myself. I cannot allow myself the peace of believing that those images won’t one day come back to haunt me. I cannot allow myself to ignore that even admitting publicly that these images exist at all, is taking a huge risk. As if waving the proverbial red flag in front of a bull. But not talking about it helps no one. It happened, it sucked.

I was the one blamed for it, of course and I spent years of my life blaming myself also. Only with time, maturity, lots of therapy and retrospection can I truly know that it wasn’t.

Now, as a mother of four daughters, these statistics are especially terrifying. It feels like the steps we can take as parents are never enough to protect our children from the dangers of the outside world, as the dangers keep somehow creeping in through our locked doors and windows, past our alarm systems and cameras, and into the very “smart” devices designed to make every day life in 2024 America “normal.”

I intend to teach my daughters from my life experience. I intend to teach them all about “situational awareness,” though I am aware that there is a chance that even these lessons may not be enough – after all, I am the daughter of two police officers, and it did nothing to protect me. If anything, believing that I “should have known better“, made it that much more isolating for me. I believed I would be judged more harshly than others… and I was.

Now every day as a Clinician, I spend my time combating the “shoulds” of other victims. I hold space as they agonize over their inner voices reinforcing their guilt and shame – that was never theirs to begin with.

No, that guilt, that shame, belongs to the depraved individuals who commit such despicable crimes. We saw them as heartless, unfeeling monsters.

But now the crime has evolved once more in the perpetrator’s favor. A nameless, faceless, something that is both everywhere and nowhere.

For every 1000 sexual assaults, 975 perpetrators will walk free (according to RAINN.org,) as it is, basically as a society we have decided to do nothing about it.

I wonder what the statistics will be, when the perpetrator, is a heartless, unfeeling, soulless… machine?

June 3rd, 2024

“Men need to sit with men that have a healed perspective of women. Ladies, need to surround themselves with women that have a healed perspective of men. The conversations are different. The energy is different. The love, appreciation, and respect is different.” Unknown

I saw this randomly on Facebook and thought it was provocative. My initial reaction was, “huh, well yes, I suppose I agree, the conversations would be different.” Beyond that initial thought, however, followed others; such as, 1. who the hell are you, random anonymous meme to dictate whom one should associate with?, (faux outrage is what social media is for, no?), 2. how does one define “healed”? 3. whom gets to define it?, 4. how does one locate these other honored “healed” ones?, but mostly my thought was… WHY?

The poster went on a tirade of the stereotypical male victimization narrative while simultaneously attacking women for claiming “perpetual victimhood”. And shouldn’t the women who are “above it all” who actually “like” men, hold themselves apart, and let the other, “man-haters” devolve into their common trauma-bonded toxic social circles?, (that last part was me paraphrasing, of course).

While I do believe that the goal should be “healing,” for all genders, non-binary included. I do not see how creating cliques of social communities achieves this man’s alleged goal.

Which… I’m not really sure what his goal was, to be honest, other than to complain that he’s a man and women don’t like him because of it… I suppose? (My guess is, that if he isn’t liked, it has more to do with his personality and / or behavior than his gender -but that’s just conjecture).

Anyway, my point is – healing isn’t a spontaneous moment of Gestalt. There is no, “aha! It wasn’t my fault, they were the asshole all long!” moment. It takes time, and COMMUNITY. Community with people who can relate to ones’ experience, yes, but also to those who have gone beyond it, AND those who have never gone through such things. How can one strive to create a healthy, safe, loving relationship if one has never seen one modeled for them before?

People I work with have a hard time believing that those relationships actually exist in the first place, let alone the possibility that they, themselves could actually experience one firsthand. Seeing someone happy, truly happy, safe and supported by another IS HEALING. OR, in contrast, seeing someone without a partner, however, whole within themselves. Finding the love, safety and support within is incredibly powerful and healing for someone who is striving to recover from abuse / victimization.

People who are hurting being tended to by others whose wounds may be scars now, but are faint, yet healed – though never completely, is essential to preventing generational trauma.

My other thought was, just because someone is not “healed” from their trauma, that does not mean that they cannot / do not appreciate and respect members of another gender. That does not mean that everyone’s trauma manifests itself to generalize all males, (for example,) as a threat. Sometimes it does, though most often it’s situational, or focused on stimuli avoidance, rather than focused on avoiding 50% of the worlds’ population. By this explanation, that would mean every traumatized person would never leave their bedroom for fear of encountering someone of another gender – this point is absurd.

#NotAllMen is tiresome. WE KNOW! Damn it, but ya’ll don’t go around wearing warning labels so we must exercise caution.

Not all racoons carry rabies, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go and pet the next furry little friend I cross paths with and take it home and feed it and let it sleep in my bed at night. Why? Because it MIGHT be one that has rabies, or more likely some other germ infested disease… or most likely, it’ll eat all my food, trash my house, and then move on, to do the same exact thing to my neighbor.

I wonder if Mr. LifeAdvice, would consider me healed?…

June 5th, 2024

No. The headlines are wrong.

Casandra Elizabeth Ventura was Brutally Attacked & Abused by Her, (at the time) Boyfriend, Sean “Ditty” Combs. – > There! I fixed it.

“Cassie”, as she is known, is an American singer, dancer, actress, and model. Her birthday is in August and she is a young woman in her 30’s. Her accomplishments include a song that ranked #3 of Billboard Hot 100 in 2006 and her self entitled debut album ranked #4 on Billboard 200 that same year! Cassie’s music career includes collaborations with many successful artists of her genre.

Additionally, Cassie has also modeled for brands such as Calvin Klein, GQ, Seventeen, & BUST & she was the face of ASOS 2013 Spring collection.

However, she is not only known for her beauty and her voice, she is also an accomplished actress as well! In films such as Step Up 2: The Streets & The Perfect Match.

How do I know all this? A simple google search. However, when you search for her name, inevitably the screen fills with images and articles riddled with “Ditty” all over it. Yes, he was a part of her career, so were many others. Yes, he was her long term boyfriend, however, she likely dated other people also. Are their names all over her google search? No.

I believe this to be the case for 2 reasons. 1. Because people consider “Ditty” to be the bigger “star” of the two. and 2. Because inevitably when a crime occurs, the media focuses almost exclusively on the perpetrator.

I want to make something very, very clear. Cassie’s success is due to HER OWN abilities and talents. Cassie’s value existed long before “Ditty,” and will long after. Forever binding her to him via headlines because he has victimized her, diminishes her as an artist and devalues her as a person.

SHE is worthy of headlines focusing on HER OWN accomplishments and a spotlight shown on HER. HE is worthy of silver bracelets and a 4×4 jailcell with a badly tempered roommate.

Oh, and that “apology” video, do not get me started! He never names her, does not direct an apology to HER. Apologizes for his behavior on this one video specifically, (after denying this incident ever happened REPEATEDLY – and trying to pay off the hotel to prevent the footage from going public,) which implies he is not sorry for any other instances of his behaviors for which he has NOT been publicly held accountable for. Even his word choice distances himself from taking direct ownership of his actions. He’s NOT sorry. He’s sorry he has been publicly outed for the behavior exhibited on the video because it is monstrous. His behavior in the aftermath equally so.

His “apology video” is disgusting and offensive that he believed for one moment that his statement was good enough to manipulate the entire country into believing that what he was exhibiting was true remorse. He needs to stick to music, because he is a TERRIBLE actor.

Will he one day be a reformed alter-boy? Yes, he will attend anger-management, find God, attend therapy, and some form of AA or NA. Perhaps visit a rehab retreat for a time, wait out the media storm, and then re-release a new project, “reformed” from his wicked ways, and, guess what, people will still buy it, because in this country we are complicit.

We were complicit when we didn’t believe Cassie when she told her truth the first time, we were complicit when we accused her of being a “gold digger,” we were complicit even when we watched her devastating trauma played out before our eyes – because that’s what it took for us to believe that a man who makes a lot of money – is capable of being an abuser. We were complicit when we selfishly refused to question our perception of a carefully marketed persona because we did not want to lose our music, give up our brand names or whatever it is we are clinging to.

Because whatever it is that the celebrity is providing to us – it means more than a woman’s victimhood. What does a woman’s tears have to do with us? Why is her fear our problem? “Ditty’s” star burned brighter only because believing in his innocence did more for us than believing in his guilt.

But when Truth was so forcibly put in front of us, to where we could no longer deny it, we will scorn and condemn him now… until such time as Group Think takes hold and the country moves on to another outrage, and “forgiveness” and “moving on from the past,” is what becomes prioritized.

And none of this will have anything to do with Cassie. What is best for her. What she desires. What she needs. One day in the future a reporter will ask her how she feels. I guarantee you, it will be within the context of, “how do you feel about Ditty’s new _____?” As if her feelings and opinions will still only matter in the context of his existence.

Or perhaps this future will not come to pass. Perhaps we CAN change the narrative. Rewording a headline may seem like petty semantics, however, as all psychologists & marketers know – word choice matters.

Highlight what reader’s value – how about we begin, highlighting values so that readers can begin to recognize what and whom, truly matter.

Cassie

Cassi

Beautiful photomechanical prints of White Irises (1887-1897) by Ogawa Kazumasa. Original from The Rijksmuseum.

White Irises

Ogawa Kazumasa

Cherry Blossom

Ogawa Kazumasa

Beautiful photomechanical prints of Cherry Blossom (1887-1897) by Ogawa Kazumasa. Original from The Rijksmuseum.

June 11,2024

So many competing concepts and seemingly contradictory tokens of wisdom are littered across the internet. “Dating gurus” and “life coaches” seem to be more common than the people seeking them out. How does one know where to start? Whom to trust? How to identify the “good advice” from the misinformation?

It’s true that “bad advice” ensures that professionals like me will forever be in business picking up the pieces of the damage caused, however, that is precisely what we are trying to prevent from happening in the first place!

The whole point of mental health care is to work oneself out of a job. The better a client is doing; the more successful treatment has been. That is assuming it is the treatment that has made the client’s prognostic outcome a positive one, and not some other variable.

Acknowledging the fact that most advice givers have the best of intentions, they can cause a massive amount of revictimization and trauma. When it is someone claiming to be an “expert” without the proper training, we can point to the individual for failing to be properly informed and thus, culpable for consequences. However, environments such as “Peer Support Groups” are culprits of this as well. Whom do we hold responsible for the consequences of misdirection here?

When I decided to begin my solo practice, I decided to join several “support groups” online to get a sense of what people were struggling with. What questions were they asking? Where were they turning to for help? And most importantly, what kind of “support” and “advice” was being offered. I wanted to know if there was anything I could do.

The result of this foray into the wilds of social media left me horrified and deeply concerned. No, not “faux outrage” concerned, but keep me up at night scrambling for a remedy level concern.

My concerns stemmed from multiple angles. First being, of course, the original poster, the “OP,” whose anguish is often visceral. Pleas for help as they wade through the trepidatious waters of abuse filled my screen. “Wow it really is this bad… STILL!” I thought. It appears no matter how many Tic Tock videos, Instagram clips or YouTube “How To’s,” exist, it does not appear as though they have made much of an impact.

#MeToo has already become a historical relic gathering dust with each passing day.

My second concern was the one that haunts me most – the comment section. Now, I AM aware of internet trolls. I anticipate being a woman with an opinion on anything will have its inevitable magnetic affect at some point. However, these forums, allegedly designed for members to provide meaningful support to one another, connecting over their common traumas brought the most HORRIFIC censure, gaslighting, bullying, and revictimization I have ever seen.

 Perhaps it’s a result of projection. Perhaps there is a conspiracy of abusers that have banded together to join these groups and use them as hunting grounds to attack wounded prey. For my part, I believe all these dangerous responses are born from ignorance or misinterpretation.

Which brings me to my third concern: these groups are not run by professionals. They are not moderated much at all, and only some rules are enforced consistently. Thus, the comment sections have carte blanche to say what they will. In comes the victim blaming, the uninformed concept of consent, the ignorant assumptions of abuse and mental health and the list goes on.

My fourth concern – these groups are structured with rules and boundaries (if enforced) – rightfully so. The rules are in place for valid reasons. However, as with anything, there can be an unfortunate unforeseen consequence. What I have found is this: by prohibiting “solicitation” & “marketing” of any kind from professionals, it prevents the REAL, verifiable experts from chiming in to fumigate the poisonous toxin of misinformation from spreading.

Of course, ethically no mental health provider should use these groups as a means of soliciting referrals for clientele. The “No-Solicitation” rule effectively reinforces that this cannot happen. Agreed. However, it also prevents professionals from reaching out and making meaningful contact with people who desperately need and deserve ACCURATE & SAFE information and resources. The only way to distinguish our voices amidst the toxic fumes of abuse in these forums is to state loudly – I AM A PROFESSIONAL -I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

And though the “No Solicitation / Marketing” rule allows us to state that much at least, we are unable to follow up with – go to THIS RESOURCE, read THIS BOOK, there’s THIS SUPPORT GROUP, (a real one), there’s THIS SPECIALIST, etc. without it being flagged as marketing or advertising.

We cannot offer to reach out directly to OP’s, to follow up with them, as some members are encouraged to do, without it looking as though we have a “hidden agenda” if we choose to not disclose we are a professional, and if we do disclose that we are, it presents the ethical issue, are we soliciting a group member for services – even if the conversation stays within a DM? Afterall, how much support should one offer before we are working for free?    

The solution? I have tried several avenues. I have contacted group creators and asked for modified exceptions to group rules to allow for apropos resources to be permitted. I have contacted them and offered to provide brief educational “did you know…” style posts to help educate the group. Neither one of these strategies has resulted in so much as a reply.

So, I find myself replying to OP’s posts now and then. Especially when I see comments that are especially egregious, as my way of offering a small intervention to offset the poison. It is exhausting and I am aware that this method is a surefire way to burn myself out.

What is left?

Start my own group and run it, you say? Yes, that is what “Dangerous Dating” is for. At least, an attempt to try and be a voice in the void. I begin this group with the goal of creating a healthy & safe environment. One that is carefully structured to allow people to connect authentically, while being assured that the information they are receiving is accurate and their goals are being safeguarded. My hope is that members will create healthier connections, using a different forum, where people can interact in real time. At the end of the day, people seek out these groups to make connections with others who can understand them and their journeys. Human connection is healing. Especially when isolation is the number one weapon of our adversary. So, dear Reader, let’s connect and heal together!

June 12th, 2024

Dear Astra,
Is it normal for guys to have female work friends?
My bf and I have been together for 2 years. He knows I get in my head sometimes and struggle with trust issues bc I have been cheated on in the past. I have been trying to work on it.
But tonight my bf got a text from a female colleague at 9pm to meet for “drinks” at the hotel she’s staying at and it set me off.
My bf travels for work and it’s normal for him to meet people he works with while he is staying at a hotel, but this situation is making me uncomfortable. Mostly because it’s really late to meet with someone who is “just a friend” and also because he plans to meet up with her alone. I asked him to bring me along him and he got angry, accused me of being insecure, and told me that
I needed to get over it. He left that night and didn’t come back home until the next day and didn’t respond to any of my texts. (I only sent 2).
My friends are telling me that he shouldn’t have female friends at work “out of respect for our relationship.” Is it a red flag for guys to have female friends? Should I be suspicious? Or, is it all in my own head?
~Anonymous

His choice to meet a co-worker, when and where he wanted to is 100% his right. Just like it’s yours if the roles were reversed.

Just because one is in a relationship doesn’t mean that fact dictates every other aspect of one’s life. If it does, that’s an unhealthy dynamic. Not talking to someone one likes, going somewhere they like, or doing something they like because of their partner is a HUGE power dynamic issue. “Out of respect,” nope- that’s control with lip-stick.

That being said, if your partner has a friend that makes you uncomfortable, then it’s respectful for them to NOT bring that friend around you. If the discomfort is out of insecurity, then “bringing you along,” so you can chaperone their behavior is childish. Not to mention it puts you right back in front of the person triggering the insecurity thus making it worse, not better.

Having your partner NOT interact with his person will lead to their resentment. Which poisons the well of any relationship.

“I’d feel different if it was a different time and place.” People cheat in the backseats of cars in the daylight. Time and venue will not prevent two people who intend on being intimate from being intimate.

Most importantly, however, how your discomfort was addressed in this situation was absolutely disrespectful. Not because he went, but because he didn’t ask / offer / attempt to do anything to reassure you while he was gone or afterwards.

If he wanted you to trust him, and wanted to help you get to a place where you’re not sitting at home anxious, he could have checked in with you. Not just responded to your texts but, “hey how are YOU?,” “you okay?,” “want me to call you on my ride home?”

You requiring / demanding him to do these things is controlling, however, communicating with him and telling him “hey, these are some things that might help me be less anxious,” a loving partner who cares, wants your trust, isn’t doing anything shady, will absolutely be like, “BET, you got it.”

That’s not what happened here. He became defensive and said hurtful things to you, then ignored you when he was well aware of how you were feeling, and did nothing to help you feel any better when he knew there were plenty of actions he could have taken to do so.

Your gut is telling you something. Just because you’re on your growth journey, (like all of us) in relationships, doesn’t mean your past is clouding your judgement. Familiar bells are ringing for a reason. Don’t gaslight yourself. I wish you all the care and support you deserve! <3

June 13th, 2024

Dear Astra,
My husband and I got into a huge argument with the “women choosing the bear in the woods over a man in the woods” scenario. His response is, that men should “choose trees over women,” because he claims, “men lose it because women don’t care how they feel.”
I find this frustrating because when he’s upset he yells and loses his mind. Everyone in the house knows he’s angry. We are all expected to make sure we don’t say or do the wrong thing to set him off, but if I ever dare try to share my emotions with him, forget it! I am being ‘dramatic’ or ‘selfish making something about me’
We separated once and he stood in the middle of our yard screaming for all of our neighbors to hear, “you’re not leaving!” over and over again.
The only reason we’re back together is he’s in therapy and I told him the next time he loses his mind like that, it better be in the therapists’ office because I’m not putting up with it anymore.
He’s been “working on himself,” for a year and I’m not so sure there’s much of a difference. He doesn’t scream at the top of his lungs anymore, but he still has a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way. Like now I’ll get the silent treatment when I used to get the toddler, “I want what I want when I want it” type of thing.
Now that I know how he really feels about me and women in general, should I even bother working on this relationship? Is it time to leave?
~Anonymous


First of all, I am so sorry for all that you have gone through, and continue to go through.
Of course I am never going to tell someone whether or not they should leave their relationship. That is a decision only you can make. The fact that you are asking the question in the first place, is telling. In general, people in healthy relationships don’t need to question whether or not they should stay in them.
That being said, it sounds as though you have attempted to do some work on this relationship in the past. You mention a couple of examples of boundary setting when you said that you had separated for a period of time, that you would not remain in a relationship where there was volatility, or quantitative effort towards change in the relationship dynamic- through your spouse attending therapy.
Though your spouse is no longer volatile, you recognize that the changes that have been made, are not necessarily for the better, and still produce the same results: everyone in the home walking on eggshells because of your spouses’ inability to regulate and your spouse delivering “consequences” as a result of not getting their way.
Being given the silent treatment is one of the worst forms of psychological abuse one can face. Many survivors share that they would rather be yelled at then ignored. NOTE: both of these behaviors are abusive and have no place in a healthy relationship dynamic.
Unless your spouse identifies these behaviors as problematic within their therapy, and learns new strategies of getting their needs met, their behaviors are not going to change. Unfortunately, you cannot set therapy goals for your partner, and you cannot set the pace at which they change.
All you can do is decide whether or not you are able to radically accept and love the reality of your partner as is, (not their potential). Stop for a moment and think about the person you were before you were in this relationship. Did you like that person? (Even some things?) Have those things changed? If so, why? Do you want them back? What needs to happen to get those qualities back?
Will your current partner help you get those qualities back by supporting you? Are there new qualities you want to develop? Is your partner compatible with the qualities you want to nurture?
Think about whether or not they fit into your life and the person you are, and who you want to become.
I hope that these questions will help you figure out your next steps.
As always, if you yourself are not in therapy, I cannot recommend it enough.
*Someone who specializes in coercively controlling relationship dynamics, not just, “treats trauma”.

To Anonymous’ Spouse: Side rant re: Bear V. Man V. Woman V. Tree

As a therapist… maybe don’t do this either, because I’ll escort you right out. Screaming that “we want what we want when we want it just because we want it,” at the top of our lungs in a therapists’ office isn’t a strategy for emotional regulation, (neither is doing it in a forest with the poor innocent trees).
Sure you may feel better for .2 secs afterwards, but a 4 year old is still not having candy for dinner, and you’re still not getting your way so… now what? The tree was waving it’s branch- it must have the answer? SMH. We therapists welcome deep emotions, of course, however, a big part of our job is teaching people HOW to express these emotions effectively and safely for people to communicate effectively.
Rape and sexual assault are about CONTROL – sex becomes a weapon to exert control over another. If you can’t control your emotions, common sense says you are a higher risk person to be around. THAT’S why we choose the bear. “Men feel like they can’t be vulnerable with women so they need to lose it because they don’t have any other form of expression or outlet”…? Is a justification for coercively controlling behavior and abuse & literally translates to, “you made me do this to you.”

June 14th, 2024

Dear Astra,
Do you agree that when you are in a relationship you have every right to have access to people’s phone’s, passwords etc.?
~Anonymous

Disagree, this is control and a projected insecurity. You can’t control your partner. You shouldn’t try, because any means to do so is coercive control.
Everyone’s partner is a separate autonomous human being one does not have ownership of.

My assumption here is that the purpose to accessing someone’s phone / passwords / accounts in this scenario is to determine whether or not they are cheating, (as opposed to fraudulent or other criminal behavior).

Cheating is subjectively defined. Someone might be okay with texting but not photo-sharing. Or fine with their partner having only online contact and not physical, others are okay with physical contact only with no emotional connection.

A couple should discuss their concepts of how they each define cheating early on in relationships when discussing their dealbreakers.
Society tells (women especially,) that cheating SHOULD be a dealbreaker every time. In my experience, most couples do not share that there has been any infidelity in their relationship with others because they want to stay together and work on things without being judged.
That makes infidelity far more common than the average person thinks it is.

Furthermore, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. If you insist on seeing their phone, they will simply get a second one and hide it from you.
You cannot stop someone from cheating. Period.

If you treat your partner as if you don’t trust them and they have never cheated on you, they become more likely to cheat – because they are already getting penalized for the crime, they might as well get the benefit of the offense. We call this, “Self- fulfilling prophesy.” When you subconsciously cause / create the event that you fear most.

Most people forgive the act of cheating but have trouble with the secrecy and the lying aspect – understandably so, however, if your partner knows you are going to become irate, or begin stalking them, (yes stalking,) in the name of “re-establishing trust,” they are not going to consider you a safe person to confess their true thoughts / feelings to. Thoughts and feelings regarding, being attracted to other people for example. (*Just because we are in a relationship doesn’t mean we’re neutered).

The lying aspect most often is to prevent having to deal with the consequence of the emotional fall-out of getting caught, (though this is hardly-ever a deterrent to cheating in the first place.)

In short – if you have to play hall-monitor to your partner’s behavior / activities in ANY way, (save caring for a partner with an illness – which is not hall-monitoring but care-giving,) that is a very unhealthy relationship for a multitude of reasons & would benefit greatly from first INDIVIDUAL therapy, then COUPLE’s before too much damage is done to one another.

July 7th, 2024

My sister’s boyfriend treats her badly. He’s mean and hurts her and her kids. She’s been with him now on and off for about 4 years.
She called me last night crying sayin’ that she’s leaving him and she wants me to come pick her and the kids up and asked if they can all stay with me. She has 3 kids and I don’t have any.
I told her “no” because she’s done this before and every time this happens she ends up going back to him.
She moves the kids all around and it’s hard to watch. It turns all of our lives upside down, including mine, and she doesn’t seem to see it, or care. It’s like she and her boyfriend live in their own selfish world of drama and we’re all expected to live in it and deal with it.
I don’t understand why she says she still loves him.
Why does she keep going back when he’s such a horrible person and does such horrible things to her AND her kids?
~Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, this message was painful to read. I am so sorry for what your sister and her children are going through, and for what YOU are also going through. Your situation is a perfect example of how one abusive person can have a far reaching impact on many others, both directly and indirectly.
You are asking the same questions so many loved ones ask and I think it is important to try and address if I can, but I cannot speak for the person you should be asking, your sister.

“Why do [they] keep going back?” is similar to “why do [they] stay?” but there are some important differences. Afterall, the person has already physically left the relationship and has now entered into the highest risk of homicide timeframe. This is the period of time when many survivors feel as though they can start to take a deep breath, let their guard down a little, exercise their autonomy and begin reconstructing their lives. All of these actions are direct threats to the control their abuser has over them, and can trigger a frightening and / or violent event and / or overall escalation in the abuser’s effort to exert control. Even implied threats can succeed in causing a survivor to return to their abuser.

However, it may not be intimidation, aggression, fear, or a fawn response that prompts your sibling to return to her partner, it depends on the manipulation strategy, (or strategies) deployed by her partner that may cause her to return.

Hoovering for example – a form of Love Bombing, may be an effective means of making her return to him also. Hoovering is when someone returns to saying / doing all of the “right things” in an attempt to demonstrate that the person is truly remorseful for the abuse they have inflicted and that they are using these words / actions to show that they have “really changed this time.” The idea is to make their victim believe that it is safe to return to them and that they will no longer be hurt and that the loving, sweet, attentive, helpful, generous, appreciative etc. person that they met and fell in love with has returned once more and they will now move on and live happily ever after. Thus, “hoovered” right back into the relationship.

That’s the thing Anonymous, your sister DOES love their partner. However, to your sister, her partner is 2 different people. There is the version of them she met in the beginning – that’s the one she fell in love with, and then there’s the one behind closed doors that most likely no one but her, (and the kids) ever see. Your sister may believe that the first version she met is the “real” version of her partner, and she would do ANYTHING to get that person back. So when he decides to offer her glimpses of hope that it might be possible for that to happen, she may jump at the chance.

It is very perceptive of you to recognize that your sister and her partner are “in their own world,” in a way they are. It is a world that your sister’s PARTNER has created – not your sister. When someone is being abused, they are powerless. That is not a thought people are comfortable acknowledging, but it is true. Being a victim means someone exerting control over you. Your sister’s partner is exerting control over her and the children. He’s the one creating the back and forth disruption you are seeing. Let’s put the responsibility where it belongs.

Also consider that your sister is functioning on a completely different level than the average person. If she is living in a dangerous environment, then her nervous system is switched to “ON” on a continual basis. That means her amygdala is firing AT ALL TIMES. That means her sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are producing hormones like cortisol ALL THE TIME. That means her fight / flight / freeze / fawn response is activated ALL THE TIME. Simply put, she is trying to survive. She is trying to make sure her children survive. When one is in survival mode, executive cognitive functioning and looking at the bigger picture is compromised. This is where we see impulsive emotional decision making and tunnel vision thinking as responses to acute trauma.

Your sister could be in a dangerous situation whether she is in the home with her partner or not, (depending on high risk factors which are unknown given the limited details of your scenario.) You do not have to have them move in with you if it is not good for your own mental health or safety.

*NOTE: The following are a list of options. These options may not be appropriate or safe in all scenarios.
Please consider safety before taking any of the following actions. This is not legal advice and I am not an attorney.
However, as there are children involved in this situation who may be subject to abuse, I would encourage you to reach out to your local Child Protective Services and report ALL incidents of abuse that you have seen or heard directly for yourself, call the local Police Department’s direct phone number to conduct a “Wellness Check” at your sister’s home if your sister has indicated that there is abuse taking place (at that time) and the children are present.
I would also provide your sister with phone numbers to organizations that her and her children can go to, to be safe at any time, (day or night) and perhaps pick her and her children up and bring them to a public place where a Domestic Violence Program can then meet and bring them to a Safe House or Shelter.

I hope this information is helpful and I hope your sister and her children are able to leave safely and for good this time.

July 15th, 2024

I had a job interview today that I’ve spent weeks getting ready for. It’s my dream job, (double my current salary). My husband knows how bad I want it. I thought I was ready for it. Then my husband made a comment about the outfit I chose for the zoom call.
Then he started an argument about forgetting laundry in the DRYER about how stupid, thoughtless, irresponsible, incapable, unreliable and downright useless I am as a person.
He made it clear that if I can’t even remember the clothes in the dryer, how can I do this job I want? He always does this whenever I fuck up. According to him, I’m the worst person in the world for my little mistakes. There’s no use standing up for myself because he’s always right.
I just sat there and cried and he just stared at me with this cold look on his face like he didn’t even care. He made me do the dishes and put the clothes away at midnight making sure I did it the right way. I was shaking so much I almost dropped the glasses and he just kept saying those awful things to me.
I told him I’d hoped to get a good night sleep before my 9am interview and tried to get to sleep as fast as I could. At 3:30am my husband shook me and woke me up. He was still “disappointed in my carelessness as a housekeeper and how it reflected on my abilities to start a family”, (we had started talking about having kids – I really want to be a mom). He told me he could no longer trust me to be a responsible mother because I can’t seem to handle adulting.
He’s said a lot of messed up stuff to me but never anything so mean.
I didn’t get any sleep last night, and I ended up cancelling my interview this morning – I knew I was in no state of mind to meet with anyone, let alone with someone who might turn into being my boss!
Astra, what do I do? I wanted this job SO BADLY, I want to be a mom, SO BADLY, but I feel like a complete failure and a coward. Is my husband right? Am I irresponsible and not ready to be a mom? Am I over-reaching trying to get a higher paying job? Am I just kidding myself that I’m the type of person that has kids and a career? I’m so upset and hurt and tired I don’t know what to think.
~Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, If you are reading this today, I hope you read it, get a good night sleep, (if possible) and then read it again.
If you could see my lips I’d be telling you to read them – IT’S NOT YOU!!!!!!!
Repeat after me – “It’s not me.”
“It’s NOT me.”
“It’s NOT ME.”
“IT’S NOT ME!”.. DAMNIT! (“damnit” optional)

You, Anonymous are a Bad-Ass, Royal of Kick-Assery. PLEASE don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.
It seems ludicrous, however, necessary for someone to bestow upon you PERMISSION TO BE HUMAN! You are imperfect. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to forget things. Drop things, & even break things.

Next time, you may even leave the clothing in the WASHER MACHINE and those moldy smelling clothes may need to be washed all over again… THE HORROR!!!
BEEN THERE! WE ALL HAVE!!!!!!!!! Even your husband. Whether he wants to admit it to you or himself, or not, he’s not perfect, and from the little you have shared, he is VERY FAR from it.

In a healthy relationship, we need to be safe enough to let all our guards down and be our completely imperfect selves. No make-up or unshaven, bad morning breath, unbathed, granny panties & those clothes that should have stayed in the back of your grandfather’s closet, (you know the ones).
Bodily human functions, sickness, injuries, worst fears, nightmares, betrayals, traumas, grief, etc. are all things that we share with OUR PARTNERS – our SAFE PERSON, our SOFT PLACE TO LAND, our GO-TO-PERSON, when shit gets real.

Is your husband this kind of person for you?
These are HIS issues, not yours, but he is causing you harm and THAT is not acceptable.

The first example of harm is the mention of his comment regarding the outfit you chose for your interview. If he wasn’t hyping you up by complimenting you, he should be keeping his unsolicited opinion to himself. Even if you did ask him what he thought, there is such a thing as a way to deliver feedback in a kind and loving way, “you know that I think you look beautiful in anything that you wear, I also think that if you wore your red dress, (you are a knockout in that one), you would appear more assertive, what do you think?” might have sufficed. Attacking your appearance was a way of attacking your self-esteem and undermining your confidence, (which seems to be the theme of your experience).

The second was starting an argument for NO REASON – (leaving clothes in the dryer is a hill I’ll die on folks). Calling this an argument is not accurate, that would suggest there was an equal exchange of ideas and communication occurring, that was not what was happening here. This was someone degrading another person, a spouse verbally abusing their partner.

This event began late into the evening and lasted for an absurdly long period of time. He conflated the issue and drew erroneous parallels where there were none to undermine your confidence, keep your attention centered on him and… to exhaust you.

The third act of harm was when you explicitly stated that you needed a night of quality sleep, and he intentionally woke you up to continue to verbally abuse you. He knew you needed sleep. He knew you had an interview, however, his need to express how he felt was MORE IMPORTANT than what YOU physically needed because what was important to him mattered more than what was important to you. PERIOD.

Instead of self-regulating like an adult, he selfishly demanded your attention like a child.  Instead of being patient and waiting for your interview process to be completed and THEN discussing any issues that he had with you, he insisted on sabotaging your ability to perform at your best level at your interview. This is physical abuse. Yes, sleep disruption is physical abuse. Especially if there is a pattern of it. Afterall, the more exhausted one is, the more compliant they are.

In a healthy relationship a partner would have done everything they could have to ensure you got as much rest and experienced as little anxiety as possible before your interview. They would encouraged you, role played questions with you, distracted you, taken care of the “adulting” tasks to lesson your mental and physical load, and would have protected your sleep from being disrupted, even if they were having a tough time sleeping themselves. They would express interest in how your interview went and checked in with how you were feeling afterwards, all BEFORE bringing up anything stressful / about any other topic.

And then there’s causing you to question your ability to be a good mother, my heart is aching right now. YOU DESERVE THE CHANCE TO BE A MOTHER JUST AS MUCH AS ANY WOMAN DOES. None of us ever truly know if we are going to be good ones. We all HOPE we will be, but none of us will know until those children are adults and they are sitting on a couch in some other therapists’ office telling them how much I’ve fucked up their childhood, (ahem, excuse me as I project for a moment).

The fact that you are worried about being a bad mother tells me that you at least care enough to try and be a good one – which is all anyone can ask for. Once again – NO ONE IS PERFECT & we ALL have mommy issues, (that’s why I have guaranteed employment).

I also want to say, I’M PROUD OF YOU! (not meant in a condescending way, but in a proud to see my fellow ambitious-baddies out here taking risks and pushing their comfort zones kind of way).

I hope that you find the confidence to contact that employer, tell them that an emergency came up, and reschedule that interview. If you want it – GO FOR IT! Nothing changes until something moves.

The worst that can happen is you interview, and you don’t get the position, and you are exactly as you are now, except with more experience interviewing for the type of job you want.

Ask for feedback from the interviewer. A true professional will take the time to provide you with a couple of things. Take that feedback and use it to learn and TRY AGAIN! Keep your eyes open for another job posting with the same job title / salary at another location – it will come, but you must be LOOKING for it. Ambition means not settling for setbacks.

It also means surrounding yourself with people who will facilitate your evolution and growth – not sabotage and stifle it. People who build you up and are your biggest cheerleaders as well as your safe foundation are the ones worth keeping close.

In contrast, anyone who makes you feel like you’re not good enough… isn’t good enough for YOU!

August 15th, 2024

Dear Astra,
How do you get a popular guy to settle down with you? I’ve dated a very charming, funny and thoughtful guy for a few months and apparently most of the women he dated wanted a relationship with him but he somehow wanted to keep looking. We connected deeply in lots of ways, I asked a few times if we could move forward to exclusive relationship but he seems ambivalent? I really want this to work out so any thoughts?.
~Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Yes, I have thoughts Anonymous!
 
Why am I focusing on this question which may seem like generic relationship advice?

I wanted to highlight the significance of what is being asked here – “I asked a few times,” “I really want this to work out,” – but it won’t. The reason is because, Anonymous, you are only focused on what YOU want, while negating what your partner – I’m assuming you care about, wants. To the point of asking others HOW to convince someone to change them into what YOU want?

“How do you get a popular guy to settle down with you?” If someone had asked, “How do you get a girl to have sex with you?” There would be a very strong negative reaction to that question and rightfully so. The questions are one and the same. They negate consent. They are about coercion.

By asking him the same question multiple times, you are applying pressure, sending him the message that this is a topic you will not drop, until he provides a different answer. This is one way of applying coercive control. Essentially wearing someone down into compliance with your goals / wants / desires etc.

Seeking advice on how to learn additional ways to coerce your partner into doing what YOU WANT is not healthy. You are asking how to control and manipulate your partner, how to take away their right to choose, because you don’t like the choices they are making.

Your partner already has other relationship options, trying to control them will only demonstrate that you are not a healthy option for them and push them farther away.

You also make it a point to mention that he is “popular,” an interesting word choice. Unless you are in high school, most people do not tend to use that adjective when describing an adult, even if it applies.

You do not mention him dating other people, just that he, “keeps looking,” my inference is that he is not formally dating but he is actively socializing with other women whom he is open to pursuing? However, you do not state this or mention other women at all, therefore popularity could reference his friends & colleagues, extended family & neighbors etc.

What interests me, however, is that you pose your question as his popularity vs. “settling down” with you. Translating it further, interacting with other people or only with you. This is what isolation looks like. Asking someone to choose between their social network and their relationship IS ISOLATION.

Exclusivity in a relationship does not mean the person must go to work, not look at or speak to anyone else that is not necessary about anything that is not absolutely necessary and then come home to you for everything else.

 Ahem, if I may…

I have a tale to tell, the setting: Ancient Times, before the internet leaked manuscript drafts and pre-orders weren’t a common thing, (at least for a young Ancient Millennial like me).

I once wanted a new book – the finale to a series, to be released. I had waited years to discover the ending to my beloved characters I had become so emotionally invested in, as only the best authors can do.

I went to my local bookstore. As it turned out, the woman in the check-out line in front of me had purchased the LAST ONE! I was devastated and silently misdirected all my heartbreak and frustration at the poor unsuspecting patron in front of me for daring to beat me to what I had so desperately wanted.
But I still had options.
a). Break down in the middle of the bookstore,
b). Fight the patron for the last copy and get thrown out / banned from the store, (if not arrested),
c). Convince the patron that they really didn’t want to read that book,
d). Guilt trip the patron into giving a poor die-hard fan-of-the-series the last copy, or
e). Go to another bookstore to find another copy
 
As tempting as options b.– d.  were, I chose both option a. and e. and voila! Wouldn’t you know, by the third bookstore I finally had my precious finale and the literary happily-ever-after of my dreams that was worth the effort.

According to the Google Gods, as of 2024 there are 4.10 BILLION males on this planet.

The estimated average number of copies of a new book’s release is 5,000 – 6,000 (in the US).

My Point: If I could find another copy of my sold-out book, YOU Anonymous, can find another man who actually WANTS to be in a committed relationship with you.

I encourage you to do some individual work on why you feel the need to try and change someone else’s mind? Why attach yourself to someone who does not want the same things as you when you could be browsing through the aisles of 4.10 BILLION options? (I’m aware there are exclusions within this number).

Trust me, there are plenty of other, “very charming, funny and thoughtful guys” out there. You might need to shop online. You may need to shop overseas. (Never pay extra for overnight shipping).
There’s always a Return-to-Sender option, and make sure to *ALWAYS READ THE REVIEWS!!!